Should Your Child Love Who You Love? | The Post-Divorce Chronicles

May. 26, 2011

So you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you now need to merge your life with them into the life you have with your child. When my father married his current wife, I had no real knowledge of her. All I knew was her name. When I came home that summer, she had moved in, and they were husband and wife, and I had no idea where I fit into the equation.

After everything that happened, what else could I really expect? I defaulted to the attitude that it wouldn?t last, she wouldn?t be around long, and that all I had to do was sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop. I had no interest in getting to know her (refer to number 1), I couldn?t bring myself to trust her (refer to number 3) and I didn?t want to get used to her being around (refer to number 4), so I treated her as you might treat an infestation of termites. I wanted to eradicate her. I did everything I could think of to alienate her, keeping her at arms length, as if by sheer will alone, I could make her disappear.

I didn?t speak to her very much when I first came home. I didn?t want to tell anyone I knew, friend or foe, that I had a new step-mother. I hated every moment of every day, because I no longer had any real control over my relationship with my father. Up until that day, I had been 100% my father?s daughter. I was a daddy?s girl. I tried my very best to please him, always looking to him for validation that I was who he wanted me to be. All of that changed the day I found out he married her. When I went back to my mom the next summer, she asked me if I wanted to live with her permanently. I wasn?t ready to give up on him, and I truly believed that the presence of my step-mother was temporary. I stuck it out one more year, but shortly after the second summer away from my father and his wife, I went to my father and asked him to call my mother, because I was going to live with her. Two days later, I was on a plane to Houston, and have never looked back.

I know that the choices my father made while dating after divorce have had a profound affect on my relationships today. I know that not every parent will make the same choices he did, and not necessarily to the effect that he did, but I want every divorced parent to consider my experiences when they decide to start dating. You might think that you are doing everything to the best of your ability, and that?s all anyone can really ask of any parent: to do the best you can for your children. When you put the needs and feelings of the child in your life first, you can help your child to adjust in the healthiest way possible, considering. No one comes out of a divorce unscathed, but those decisions don?t have to have a negative impact on your child. Use caution, help your child navigate the difficult path after divorce, and don?t assume that because you?re happy to be with someone new, that your happiness is enough to light the way for them. By modeling a healthy example for them, you are creating a positive archetype that they can look back on when they make their way through their own relationships, and lead them to a better chance of success in friendship, love, and trust. And a lot less therapy when they grow up.

Layne is a redhead, living in Houston, Texas. She is an avid photographer and has a background in the legal profession, as well as being Lee Block?s ?Gal Monday through Friday.?

She plans to finish her degree at University of Houston, Clear Lake, in Communications. On her blog, A Redhead in Texas she writes about her experiences as a student of life, a lover of coffee, and her slightly co-dependent relationship with two miniature Australian Shepherds, Dundee and Dakota.

This is not the first time that Layne and Lee have worked together. Layne knows Lee?s moods, kids and loves her anyway and is thrilled to be back in the fold again! You can find Layne on twitter at @sombelo.

Source: http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com/2011/05/should-your-child-love-who-you-love/

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